So now that you’ve read the Five Stages of Drunkeness, you are now ready for the worst part of drinking, being sober. Like being drunk, the process of sobering up has five main and grotesquely unpleasant stages for you to enjoy.
In perfect contrast to the stage in which you are drunk and suddenly the most knowledgable person to grace the planet since Einstein, you are now legally a moron. Your IQ is so low that you couldn’t even be subjected to the death penalty in Texas. Hours will pass, your stomach will churn and you will repeatedly, both aloud and in your brain, chastise yourself for drinking so much. This is the first stage of the stupid process, wishing you could change the bile rising painfully and burning up your throat is futile. Combine these feelings, with the fact that your concentration does not currently exist, and the fact that you are wasting a day that you probably needed for something, you are about as stupid as they come. My advice is to temporarily embrace it and watch some low rent T.V. Suggestions include Jeremy Kyle, Come Dine with Me or anything that MTV has ever created.
This is the brother stage to that confident and attractive drunk stage which has long gone. Let me pain a picture of you now. You have tried to eat something, only to have realised that it has made you feel a million times worse. You are now slumped on the floor of your bathroom with your hand down your throat, trying to spew. Sound accurate? Combine this with your gorgeous red eyes, sexy foul breath, alluring pale skin, the horrible sick feeling/headache you have, and my assumption that you haven’t yet showered and are therefore wearing several vodkas and coke and potentially the clothes from the night before and we’ve established that you are a erank human being. If you have pulled, combine this with the smell of bad sex and shame.
If I’m giving you some sort of credit, and believe that you’ve managed to make it from the floor/your bed and are on a shop run for juice/everything that is terrible in the world. However, on your way to the shop you open your purse/wallet to realise that every red penny you ever had has gone. You’re still in the throws of stupidity so it will take you a little bit of time to remember buying all of those shots for everyone, and due to the quantity of cheese/kebab soaking a messy uncleanable grease patch onto your favourite clothes/floor, you deduced (you clever dog you) that you may have bought £10 worth of food, with £8.80 of it currently destroying your £50 outfit. You have realised that you will have to succumb to bankruptcy and are now scared to check your bank account.
Ill and/or ‘Delicate’
By this point you have realised that you feel like shit, look like shit, and have no money. You will feel distinctly ill and the memories of being charged with assault, pulling an ugly bird/bloke last night, and realise your knuckles are sore from a fight outside the chippy. You feel delicate in all senses of the word. Sounds hurt, light hurts, you hurt and life is a ball of miserable depression. If I’m being honest with you mate, crawl into your bed, and snuggle up until the next morning. It’s for the best. If you smoke avoid doing it- the danger fag is not a myth, nor is the urge to spew from the taste association with alcohol.
Here we are in the final stage of the sobering up process. The stage where your condition is blatant to everyone you ever have encountered. Your flatmate has spotted you and instantly recognised your condition. People on the street can see it a mile off, and if you’re unlucky enough to be working, your manager is regarding you with out and out contempt. It is obvious that you are either hungover, or still slightly drunk, and your stupidity does not allow you to conjure a defence. However, it will only last a little longer I’m sure, and you’ll swear to never get into this state again. This concludes the stupidity cycle, the final comment of the naive and moronic.
My final advice- enjoy sobriety and pray you don’t have a two day hangover.